A Good Deed Never Goes Unpunished

Well, there was le me, derping around, bunking off from office coz I was gargantuanly hungry.

I was minding me own business loitering on me Baldrick when all of a sudden I saw a lady riding a scooter. Le problem was that her thingummybob (in Bong we call it orna, in Hindi churni/chunni/something like that and in English we call it good for nothing) was about to get tangled with the exhaust of her scooter.

So, just like one of them good samaritan types, I got me scooter alongside side her and appraised her of the situation; she immediately got hold of that thingy and tied it up.

So, I, Fat Uncle Cheapo, might have saved a human life.

And what do I get in return?


A look of pure unadulterated loathing and disgust as if I was a mixture of Osama bin Laden, some serial rapist and jack the fucking Ripper!!!!!!!


Sigh

Le Pros and Le Cons of Living with Monsieur Le Bourgeois

As some of you may know, I have been living (or rather surviving) with the Bourgeois Biggani for the last couple of months. You may also know that he has manged to break my trolley and my fridge in the said period; he has also once kept his spectacles inside the microwave and rigged the kitchen utensils in such a manner that boiling oil falls on me.

And now I get the news that he is somewhat a babe magnet in the Center for DNA Disturbing in Nampally, Hyderabad. Apparently its his bourgeois snobbery that has bowled over the assembled female nerdasses. [forget bowling over, I have never been able to even nudge any member of the female species {I blame by proletariat farming ancestors for my complete lack of snobbery}]

Anyway, this missive is to all them horny nerds who are dreaming of the Bourgeois one.

Cons

• Well, he is a bourgeois commie liberal, and so firmly believes that USA, Narendra Modi and Trinamool Congress are the axis of evil.....and that the Taliban/Al-Qaeda being popular movements, should be lauded and appreciated

• He farts like a ninja - silent and deadly. In fact, it is my firm belief that his farts can be considered as WMDDs (weapons of mass devastation and desolation). I am thinking of writing to those Bodo people telling them how to get rid of all those illegal immigrants. Just feed the Bourgeois one with lots of beans and radishes and point his ass towards the Bangladesh border. Those bangals won't know what hit them.

• He drinks alcohol by the bucketful.......and then pukes in the same bucket.

• Every night, suspicious white substances are seen on lips.....he claims it is Boroline, but there is no material evidence supporting his claims. 

• Once drunk, he goes all misty-eyed about his past love life and calls up Diptarup Nandi.

• He is mildly racist and supremely snobbish.

• He claims he is poor, but refuses to drink anything apart from imported Scotch.

• Keep him away from a bed, he does weird things to it.

• He never ever switches off. Its as if switching off is a proletariat activity and so beneath him. Light, fan, mobile charger, laptop charger, microwave open would all be on 24/7/365. In fact the only thing that he switches off is the fridge.

Pros

So you must be asking yourself why le me (a bonafide member of the awesome community) is living with le him. You see, underneath all that snobbery, lies a heart of petrol (more expensive).

• He is kind, good humoured and extremely emo-blackmailable.
• He makes a mean brinjal fry.
• He is extremely ticklish (and I can't stress the advantages of this point enough).
• He knows some epic eating joints in Bangalore.
• When he gets one of them scientific awards, I want to be included in the thanksgiving speech; its the closest I will ever come to science.

Plus, as all of you already know, he has extracted a  lot of my DNA in his pursuit of genetic mutation. The military-industrial complex is sponsoring him in his quest to make a new species - half-man half-wasps....apparently the next big thing is bio-chemical warfare....and since those buggers will be created from my DNA, I will be able to telepathetically control them.


I will have my own army and I will take over the world.

Muhahhahahhahhahaaa

Karma has Gone all Medieval on my Ass

Oh yes, it has.


You see, it all started in Bangalore, one of the best evenings of my life.


After a sumptuous lunch of momos, amongst other things, I was derping around in one of India's premier dorkvilles - The Indian Institute of Bourgeois Scientists - when the Sandman came to pick me up. (Naturally he reached the girl's hostel first, but we shall not speak of such things).

Anyway he took me to a magical place, a place full of love, kindness and generosity......in short a place full of animals.

You see, there is this most excellent gentleman who gives shelter to rescued/injured animals. There are ponies, there are horses, there are donkeys and a camel. And there is one of the most dignified looking dogs that I have ever seen. He ambled up to sniff me, apparently liked what he smelt and lied down beside me leg, giving me the opportunity to rub and pet him.

Soon after the Sandman ambled off to bug some humans. I was waiting when suddenly I felt a nudge from the back.


I turned and saw.........................



it was one of the donkeys asking me to pet him.


Now, in all my existence, only 1 other person has actively come up and demanded to be petted, and that's the Count Brian Christopher Luigi di Jimborghini aka Jimbo. So you can imagine my pleasure.

All this was further aggrandized later in the evening when I went to Krupa animal shelter and was assailed by more than a dozen dogs hell bent on licking my face.



So happy times!!!


But, this is me, Fat Uncle Cheapo. The only thing guaranteed is that if I am happy, then karma, fate, mother nature and all them secret societies will conspire together to make my life as miserable as possible.


And it didn't disappoint.



As you all know, Karma works in mysterious ways - and this time it decided to work through the Biggest Bourgeois in these parts - the Biggani.



He started proceedings off by breaking my trolley.


But he was just warming up.


He came home and then broke my fridge. 


And then he kept his spectacles in the microwave and started accusing me of hiding it.




All this was bearable



But then he did it, he did it yesterday.



He sabotaged my cooking equipment in such a manner that boiling oil fell on me and burned the fuck out of my stomach. The last time something like that happened to people it was the 16th century.


So, as you can see, in order to ruin my life, Karma took recourse to medieval torture devices. And instead of taking me to the doctor, the Bourgeois Biggani laughed.

Le Movie

Well, Fat Uncle cheapo is uber excited about watching a film this weekend - Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Just the very name means its gonna be an epic film...and its produced by Tim Burton and directed by Timur whatshisnameakov. Its gonna be all kinds of awesome!!! And hopefully it will start a trend which will also have George Washington - Werewolf Killer, Benjamin Franklin - Zombie Slayer, George W Bush - Killer of the English Language etc.


But.....and here we come to le cruz of le matter......whatever Hollywood can come up with, Tollywood (Telegu film industry) is not far behind. My buddy Gopi recently came up and informed me of an apparently epic movie that he had seen. He also gave me the link to the trailer....and this is what I could understand of the story.


There is this lad and there is this lass...so far so good.....the lad is totally in lust with said lass....and is so, for all intents and purposes, harassing the shit out of her.......which apparently she secretly likes (only in Indian films)....and they are slowly progressing towards the inevitable etc....now comes the 3rd party..... another lad, who happens to hypocrite follower of the Hippocratic oath...or in other words a doctor. This lad also falls in lust with the lass......and so in order to win her.....kicks the everloving bejeejus out of the 1st lad and kills him.

So far so good yeah?


Now comes the fun part.


The dead lad then gets reborn as a mosquito/housefly.
 

Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that out of the entire spectrum of living creatures on this planet (hundreds of species mammals, scores of species reptiles, hundreds of thousands of species of fishy folk, millions of species of bugs and Ayush Prasad) why did the film people choose a mosquito/housefly!!


After all housefly nirvana = giant pile of crap (literally!!) and if we go by the Hindu/Buddhist notions of karmic rebirth, then the hero lad must have been an awful person to be reborn as that particular type of insect.


But you are not thinking it through...what is the most irritating creature that the urban human encounters in his day to day life (apart from Bong tourists, auto rickshawwallas and Ayush Praad)?


The mosquito/housefly 


And, and...and here is the crux of the matter...the housefly is pretty much unbeatable.


And the story proves this fact....the villain lad tries a knife, a pistol, a witch doctor...and for some weird reason a falcon/hawk/eagle to destroy the insect but ends up destroying himself slowly etc etc.


So isn't this movie epic? The only way the movie can possibly be better is by adding ninjas. Ninjas make everything better.



Finally, to end this missive, the trailer doesn't show the ending and so I am not sure how the housefly consummates his lust for the heroine or how he seduces her.


If any one of you watch the movie...and I strongly urge you to do so...please let me know.

EPIC JYODESSEY

You thought that epics are dead didn't you?




Well we still have epic failures like the Indian police, the Indian cricket team, the Arsenal defence, me etc but there is a marked absence of epic tales of heroism.




Not any more.




Here is the tale of our heroic heroine Jyotikus Khullerius (had to be Romanized, making that name Ionian or Hellenic is beyond my limited capabilities) in her epic quest to reach the fabled land of McDonaldoland - a beautiful land full of mountains of burgers, valleys of meaty patties and rivers of mustard and ketchup not to mention golden fields of french fries.



So one bright sunny day, with vim, vigour and vanity bag, our heroic heroine left her home and flagged won a passing chariot. She had originally thought of using the ferryman to cross the river but decided against it due to its slowness.



The ferryman was not pleased. He complained to the gods.



The gods in turn got pissed about the complaint since it interrupted their attempt to get pissed while doing the bacchanalia.



They decided to teach our heroic heroine a lesson.



To that end, Hephaestus destroyed her chariot.



But Jyotikus escaped unscathed and undeterred, which pissed off the gods even more. Zeus decided that a spot of thunderstorms and hails would be the correct medicine for the puny human.



So he unleashed a severe hailstorm, and deciding that it is never too much, unleashed a tornado as well.



The sky darkened, the wind blew like a gale, hails the size of olives pounded the earth mercilessly trying to cower our heroine into submission. But our heroine was not to be denied. 



Seeing another passing chariot a little distance away, she braved the hail, thunder etc and ran towards it and hopped on it. Zeus got angrier and increased the pounding.



 The roof of the chariot started cracking in a few places but the chariot kept moving.



Seeing that her husband has gone apoplectic, Hera decided to intervene. She decided to scare and frustrate our heroine in a different manner.



She weaved her magic so that our heroine faced the greatest enemy of mankind - mankind itself. Hera got a particularly annoying ignoramus to interrupt, impede and irritate our heroine with inane and incessant chatter.  Our heroine got distracted, disturbed and dismayed...but only for a little bit. After all she was determined to reach her destination and she was not to be denied.



So she hopped onto another chariot. Seeing both Zeus and Hera fail in stopping Jyotikus, Apollo and Dionysus decided to act together. They hatched a cunning plan and changed all the other occupants of the bus into mighty feral beasts.



But not the driver.



Oh no, it was something much worse.



They turned the driver of the chariot into a luj character Indian.



Our heroine could barely escape the clutches of said creature. She jumped down from the bus and ignoring the hails, tornado etc started running as she could see the fabled land only a wee way away. The beasts pursued with gnashing teeth and barks and howls.



But she kept on running.




And then the Gods turned to Hades. And Hades made the very earth shake.


Panic and pandemonium ensued. Whole buildings started to crumble. It was a scene straight from a Ronald Emmerich/Micheal Bay movie. The religious nutters thought apocalypse was upon them.



Battered, bruised and bleeding, our heroine stumbled on. She could hear the sounds of joy, see the rivers and hills and fields, smell the delicious nectar. And thus she was more determined than ever to not stop.



The gods became worried. They huddled and came up with the master-plan.



From the deepest pits of Tartarus, they released the beast.



The same beast which was responsible for the fall of Troy, for the disappearance of Atlantis, for the eruption of Vesuvius...the beast responsible for the deaths of umpteen men and for turning Hercules mad, the beast responsible for turning Medusa into a Gorgon, the one who made Leonidas commit suicide and the one who turned Darius III and Mark Antony into fucking idiots........all through a constant, incessant, never-ending whine......none other than the harbinger of death, the doomer of civilization - Fat Uncle Cheapo.



Legend has it that the beast first came into this world whining about bhindi and pillows when Pandora opened her box.



Once unleashed, there is no end to the suffering that the beast can cause. And that is why the Gods keep it bound in chains in the deepest pits of Tartarus. But desperate times call for desperate measures.



So they unleashed it.



And immediately our heroine felt the pain. The same Jyotikus who had endured hails, tornadoes, earthquakes, imbeciles, beasts and luj character Indians started quivering with fright and unbearable agony.



But the beast continued whining.



Our heroine was about to become mad and pass out from the pain, when she had a revelation. The spirit of her mentor She Who Must Be Obeyed appeared to her in a vision and gave her strength.



Clutching on the last vestiges of strength and drawing on hitherto untapped determination, she somehow crawled and crawled and crawled........



.....and finally managed to enter the magical realm of the fabled land.









And them la-di-dah post-modernists said that the epics are dead. Well to quote the greatest anti-hero of our era "Eat My Shorts"

Change

Why can't I fit in anywhere?


What is it that makes me constitutionally unable to be a part of the human society?


As an adult, I have never felt as if I belonged somewhere.



CIEFL was good but last few months I was not on speaking terms with some of my erstwhile close friends coz of what they did to me. On hindsight, it wasn't that big a deal, but lemme tell you, it was one of the saddest periods of my life.


I quit my first job because of a payment dispute and because the timings were playing merry hell with my health. But was I happy? Looking back at that year, it seems to me that though I had great company and met some people who have subsequently played a big part in my life -and in Shailaja's Shastry's case actually saved my life - more often than not, I wasn't really happy. Was I content? Probably yes but is contentment in life everything? Shouldn't we strive for happiness.I didn't at that time, though it was more or less the same time when heartbreak happened and depression began.


It came to such a point that I had no option but to quit. I joined my 2nd job with high hopes.

New job, new career - I was supposed to be happy wasn't I? But by joining when I joined, I not only missed some financial benefits but also messed up my MPhil thesis. And for what? Time revealed that I was working for a megalomaniac and a charlatan/fraud. An atmosphere of  distrust and disenchantment reigned supreme. For a person like me, it once again turned out to be a case of me on one corner and the rest of them on the other. I was comfortable with the work I was doing but did not feel like a part of anything.


Then I changed jobs again, I thought it would help. And you know what, initially it actually did. I learnt new things, I got to explore new things, my ideas were appreciated, I got a great mentor.


But was I happy? I definitely was not? The tentacles of loneliness surrounded me on all sides. Acting on a friend's suggestion I consulted a psychiatrist. He listened to me and gave me medicines but he felt that since I am functional, its better that I consult a counselor. I needed all the



And then it all changed.



From being a creative one, my position became that of the office mule - send mails, receive mails and make excels. None of my ideas are accepted, I have to just type in whatever ideas an external consultant has. It ceased to matter whether I wanted to do something;it never really mattered to be honest. Forget being appreciated, the only feedback I get is one full of abuses highlighting all my deficiencies. They treat me as if I am wasting their precious time, money and ruining their company. Now, it feels like I need their permission to breathe.


I feel stifled. I feel constricted. I feel I am being buried alive in a hole. Day after day week after week I have to get up in the morning and come to this place even though I hate it.  Its getting more and more and more difficult to get up, brush, put on clothes and to get out of the house.  The very idea of going out of the house is now filling me with dread.


I spend weekend after weekend just staring out of the window looking at people living their lives with hopes and dreams and aspirations.



I have none.



Betrayals and abuses by so-called friends have left me a man scared of human company.It has come to such a condition that I could not even enjoy the football tournament going on at the moment - this is the first time in my life I have been unable to enjoy football.


On the one hand I desperately crave for human companionship, on the other hand I am too scared and scarred by humans to even feel like talking to them. Sometimes the very thought of talking to people makes me physically sick.



I am tired and I am exhausted of this life. I feel more and more like ending it but then I think of my parents and I have to keep on this pretense, this charade of normalcy.


I am going on an endless downward spiral of misery and I can't get out. I need to change before it becomes too late but I can't see a way of changing anything.


I wish there was hope


But there is no hope.


There never is.

A Short History of English Literature

Druidic times - the Romans are coming - fear, anxiety, depression

Roman times - Boadecea is coming - fear, anxiety, depression

Post-Roman times - Grendel's mom is coming - fear, anxiety, depression

Anglo Saxon times - the Vikings are coming - fear, anxiety, depression

End of 1st millenium AD - the Vikings are...ooops sorry.... the Normans are coming - fear, anxiety, depression

Early 2nd millenium AD - the Devil is coming - fear, anxiety, depression

Elizabethan times - the Scots/assasins in a tavern/a future full of misquoations are coming - fear, anxiety, depression, racism

Jacobean times - the questions "what is a  moronix ox?" and "what is it like to be a moronic ox?" are coming - fear, anxiety, depression (esp for all future students of English lit)

Restoration times - the literary critics are coming - life will never be the same

Romantic times - the drunk poets are coming - wuhoo

Victorian times - elementary poverty is coming - fear, anxiety, depression...with a few murders mixed in the mixture

Early 20th century - War is coming, and its bringing Hardy and Joyce with it (that's 3 of the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse) - the souls of the readers died

Post-Modern - nobody is coming

The Baleful Chicanery of Bourgeois Biggani

Well, Fat Uncle Cheapo has been terrible, absolutely miserable. He was so miserable that he went into post-modern depression.....which, as all of you, is bigger and better than just normal depression.

And so he called for help.

And so came the Bourgeois Biggani, to give Cheapo spiritual support.

They were living contentedly...when out of nowhere came a wedding invitation.....not for Cheapo - nobody invites Cheapo - but for Biggani.

W day approached and Biggani started putting on makeup. Result - he looked like a government clark.

So, being a nice guy, Cheapo lent him his dress.

But the inherent bourgeoisness of the Biggani reared its ugly head.

Claiming that said dress did not match up to his bourgois benchmarks, he threw away said dress.

Anyway since Biggani was going for a wedding, Cheapo begged him to get some free sweets.....mainly because Cheapo had been flat broke for about a couple of weeks prior to that and had no money to but any food of his own.


Biggani left.....and reurned 6 hours later............... with nary a sweet


Naturally, being upset, Cheapo remoinstarted and demonstarted and protested against this kind of activity.

Little did he know how his remonstrations were going to come back to bite him in the arse.


You see the Biggani did not flinch, did not complain, did not explain. With his scientific eyes fixed firmly on the Cheapo's head, he instead made plans. Plans worthy of the Great Indian Chunkubaaz himself.

You see he plotted and planned his revenge.




And 2 days later unleashed killer mutant zombie bees all over Cheapo's refridgerator.


Result - a starving Cheavo


But that wasn't all


After starving for 3 days, Cheapo finally crawled over to Biggani and begged for some water.

He got water.

But as it turned out, the water was laced with arsenic and numerous other dangerous poisons.



Cheapo is in tremendoes pain. Critics opine that he may soon die.

And if he does, now you know why.


And all this because of a balushai and a bourgeois biggani.