Le Pros and Le Cons of Living with Monsieur Le Bourgeois

As some of you may know, I have been living (or rather surviving) with the Bourgeois Biggani for the last couple of months. You may also know that he has manged to break my trolley and my fridge in the said period; he has also once kept his spectacles inside the microwave and rigged the kitchen utensils in such a manner that boiling oil falls on me.

And now I get the news that he is somewhat a babe magnet in the Center for DNA Disturbing in Nampally, Hyderabad. Apparently its his bourgeois snobbery that has bowled over the assembled female nerdasses. [forget bowling over, I have never been able to even nudge any member of the female species {I blame by proletariat farming ancestors for my complete lack of snobbery}]

Anyway, this missive is to all them horny nerds who are dreaming of the Bourgeois one.

Cons

• Well, he is a bourgeois commie liberal, and so firmly believes that USA, Narendra Modi and Trinamool Congress are the axis of evil.....and that the Taliban/Al-Qaeda being popular movements, should be lauded and appreciated

• He farts like a ninja - silent and deadly. In fact, it is my firm belief that his farts can be considered as WMDDs (weapons of mass devastation and desolation). I am thinking of writing to those Bodo people telling them how to get rid of all those illegal immigrants. Just feed the Bourgeois one with lots of beans and radishes and point his ass towards the Bangladesh border. Those bangals won't know what hit them.

• He drinks alcohol by the bucketful.......and then pukes in the same bucket.

• Every night, suspicious white substances are seen on lips.....he claims it is Boroline, but there is no material evidence supporting his claims. 

• Once drunk, he goes all misty-eyed about his past love life and calls up Diptarup Nandi.

• He is mildly racist and supremely snobbish.

• He claims he is poor, but refuses to drink anything apart from imported Scotch.

• Keep him away from a bed, he does weird things to it.

• He never ever switches off. Its as if switching off is a proletariat activity and so beneath him. Light, fan, mobile charger, laptop charger, microwave open would all be on 24/7/365. In fact the only thing that he switches off is the fridge.

Pros

So you must be asking yourself why le me (a bonafide member of the awesome community) is living with le him. You see, underneath all that snobbery, lies a heart of petrol (more expensive).

• He is kind, good humoured and extremely emo-blackmailable.
• He makes a mean brinjal fry.
• He is extremely ticklish (and I can't stress the advantages of this point enough).
• He knows some epic eating joints in Bangalore.
• When he gets one of them scientific awards, I want to be included in the thanksgiving speech; its the closest I will ever come to science.

Plus, as all of you already know, he has extracted a  lot of my DNA in his pursuit of genetic mutation. The military-industrial complex is sponsoring him in his quest to make a new species - half-man half-wasps....apparently the next big thing is bio-chemical warfare....and since those buggers will be created from my DNA, I will be able to telepathetically control them.


I will have my own army and I will take over the world.

Muhahhahahhahhahaaa

Karma has Gone all Medieval on my Ass

Oh yes, it has.


You see, it all started in Bangalore, one of the best evenings of my life.


After a sumptuous lunch of momos, amongst other things, I was derping around in one of India's premier dorkvilles - The Indian Institute of Bourgeois Scientists - when the Sandman came to pick me up. (Naturally he reached the girl's hostel first, but we shall not speak of such things).

Anyway he took me to a magical place, a place full of love, kindness and generosity......in short a place full of animals.

You see, there is this most excellent gentleman who gives shelter to rescued/injured animals. There are ponies, there are horses, there are donkeys and a camel. And there is one of the most dignified looking dogs that I have ever seen. He ambled up to sniff me, apparently liked what he smelt and lied down beside me leg, giving me the opportunity to rub and pet him.

Soon after the Sandman ambled off to bug some humans. I was waiting when suddenly I felt a nudge from the back.


I turned and saw.........................



it was one of the donkeys asking me to pet him.


Now, in all my existence, only 1 other person has actively come up and demanded to be petted, and that's the Count Brian Christopher Luigi di Jimborghini aka Jimbo. So you can imagine my pleasure.

All this was further aggrandized later in the evening when I went to Krupa animal shelter and was assailed by more than a dozen dogs hell bent on licking my face.



So happy times!!!


But, this is me, Fat Uncle Cheapo. The only thing guaranteed is that if I am happy, then karma, fate, mother nature and all them secret societies will conspire together to make my life as miserable as possible.


And it didn't disappoint.



As you all know, Karma works in mysterious ways - and this time it decided to work through the Biggest Bourgeois in these parts - the Biggani.



He started proceedings off by breaking my trolley.


But he was just warming up.


He came home and then broke my fridge. 


And then he kept his spectacles in the microwave and started accusing me of hiding it.




All this was bearable



But then he did it, he did it yesterday.



He sabotaged my cooking equipment in such a manner that boiling oil fell on me and burned the fuck out of my stomach. The last time something like that happened to people it was the 16th century.


So, as you can see, in order to ruin my life, Karma took recourse to medieval torture devices. And instead of taking me to the doctor, the Bourgeois Biggani laughed.