Le Movie

Well, Fat Uncle cheapo is uber excited about watching a film this weekend - Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. Just the very name means its gonna be an epic film...and its produced by Tim Burton and directed by Timur whatshisnameakov. Its gonna be all kinds of awesome!!! And hopefully it will start a trend which will also have George Washington - Werewolf Killer, Benjamin Franklin - Zombie Slayer, George W Bush - Killer of the English Language etc.


But.....and here we come to le cruz of le matter......whatever Hollywood can come up with, Tollywood (Telegu film industry) is not far behind. My buddy Gopi recently came up and informed me of an apparently epic movie that he had seen. He also gave me the link to the trailer....and this is what I could understand of the story.


There is this lad and there is this lass...so far so good.....the lad is totally in lust with said lass....and is so, for all intents and purposes, harassing the shit out of her.......which apparently she secretly likes (only in Indian films)....and they are slowly progressing towards the inevitable etc....now comes the 3rd party..... another lad, who happens to hypocrite follower of the Hippocratic oath...or in other words a doctor. This lad also falls in lust with the lass......and so in order to win her.....kicks the everloving bejeejus out of the 1st lad and kills him.

So far so good yeah?


Now comes the fun part.


The dead lad then gets reborn as a mosquito/housefly.
 

Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that out of the entire spectrum of living creatures on this planet (hundreds of species mammals, scores of species reptiles, hundreds of thousands of species of fishy folk, millions of species of bugs and Ayush Prasad) why did the film people choose a mosquito/housefly!!


After all housefly nirvana = giant pile of crap (literally!!) and if we go by the Hindu/Buddhist notions of karmic rebirth, then the hero lad must have been an awful person to be reborn as that particular type of insect.


But you are not thinking it through...what is the most irritating creature that the urban human encounters in his day to day life (apart from Bong tourists, auto rickshawwallas and Ayush Praad)?


The mosquito/housefly 


And, and...and here is the crux of the matter...the housefly is pretty much unbeatable.


And the story proves this fact....the villain lad tries a knife, a pistol, a witch doctor...and for some weird reason a falcon/hawk/eagle to destroy the insect but ends up destroying himself slowly etc etc.


So isn't this movie epic? The only way the movie can possibly be better is by adding ninjas. Ninjas make everything better.



Finally, to end this missive, the trailer doesn't show the ending and so I am not sure how the housefly consummates his lust for the heroine or how he seduces her.


If any one of you watch the movie...and I strongly urge you to do so...please let me know.

EPIC JYODESSEY

You thought that epics are dead didn't you?




Well we still have epic failures like the Indian police, the Indian cricket team, the Arsenal defence, me etc but there is a marked absence of epic tales of heroism.




Not any more.




Here is the tale of our heroic heroine Jyotikus Khullerius (had to be Romanized, making that name Ionian or Hellenic is beyond my limited capabilities) in her epic quest to reach the fabled land of McDonaldoland - a beautiful land full of mountains of burgers, valleys of meaty patties and rivers of mustard and ketchup not to mention golden fields of french fries.



So one bright sunny day, with vim, vigour and vanity bag, our heroic heroine left her home and flagged won a passing chariot. She had originally thought of using the ferryman to cross the river but decided against it due to its slowness.



The ferryman was not pleased. He complained to the gods.



The gods in turn got pissed about the complaint since it interrupted their attempt to get pissed while doing the bacchanalia.



They decided to teach our heroic heroine a lesson.



To that end, Hephaestus destroyed her chariot.



But Jyotikus escaped unscathed and undeterred, which pissed off the gods even more. Zeus decided that a spot of thunderstorms and hails would be the correct medicine for the puny human.



So he unleashed a severe hailstorm, and deciding that it is never too much, unleashed a tornado as well.



The sky darkened, the wind blew like a gale, hails the size of olives pounded the earth mercilessly trying to cower our heroine into submission. But our heroine was not to be denied. 



Seeing another passing chariot a little distance away, she braved the hail, thunder etc and ran towards it and hopped on it. Zeus got angrier and increased the pounding.



 The roof of the chariot started cracking in a few places but the chariot kept moving.



Seeing that her husband has gone apoplectic, Hera decided to intervene. She decided to scare and frustrate our heroine in a different manner.



She weaved her magic so that our heroine faced the greatest enemy of mankind - mankind itself. Hera got a particularly annoying ignoramus to interrupt, impede and irritate our heroine with inane and incessant chatter.  Our heroine got distracted, disturbed and dismayed...but only for a little bit. After all she was determined to reach her destination and she was not to be denied.



So she hopped onto another chariot. Seeing both Zeus and Hera fail in stopping Jyotikus, Apollo and Dionysus decided to act together. They hatched a cunning plan and changed all the other occupants of the bus into mighty feral beasts.



But not the driver.



Oh no, it was something much worse.



They turned the driver of the chariot into a luj character Indian.



Our heroine could barely escape the clutches of said creature. She jumped down from the bus and ignoring the hails, tornado etc started running as she could see the fabled land only a wee way away. The beasts pursued with gnashing teeth and barks and howls.



But she kept on running.




And then the Gods turned to Hades. And Hades made the very earth shake.


Panic and pandemonium ensued. Whole buildings started to crumble. It was a scene straight from a Ronald Emmerich/Micheal Bay movie. The religious nutters thought apocalypse was upon them.



Battered, bruised and bleeding, our heroine stumbled on. She could hear the sounds of joy, see the rivers and hills and fields, smell the delicious nectar. And thus she was more determined than ever to not stop.



The gods became worried. They huddled and came up with the master-plan.



From the deepest pits of Tartarus, they released the beast.



The same beast which was responsible for the fall of Troy, for the disappearance of Atlantis, for the eruption of Vesuvius...the beast responsible for the deaths of umpteen men and for turning Hercules mad, the beast responsible for turning Medusa into a Gorgon, the one who made Leonidas commit suicide and the one who turned Darius III and Mark Antony into fucking idiots........all through a constant, incessant, never-ending whine......none other than the harbinger of death, the doomer of civilization - Fat Uncle Cheapo.



Legend has it that the beast first came into this world whining about bhindi and pillows when Pandora opened her box.



Once unleashed, there is no end to the suffering that the beast can cause. And that is why the Gods keep it bound in chains in the deepest pits of Tartarus. But desperate times call for desperate measures.



So they unleashed it.



And immediately our heroine felt the pain. The same Jyotikus who had endured hails, tornadoes, earthquakes, imbeciles, beasts and luj character Indians started quivering with fright and unbearable agony.



But the beast continued whining.



Our heroine was about to become mad and pass out from the pain, when she had a revelation. The spirit of her mentor She Who Must Be Obeyed appeared to her in a vision and gave her strength.



Clutching on the last vestiges of strength and drawing on hitherto untapped determination, she somehow crawled and crawled and crawled........



.....and finally managed to enter the magical realm of the fabled land.









And them la-di-dah post-modernists said that the epics are dead. Well to quote the greatest anti-hero of our era "Eat My Shorts"