Why can't I fit in anywhere?
What is it that makes me constitutionally unable to be a part of the human society?
As an adult, I have never felt as if I belonged somewhere.
CIEFL was good but last few months I was not on speaking terms with some of my erstwhile close friends coz of what they did to me. On hindsight, it wasn't that big a deal, but lemme tell you, it was one of the saddest periods of my life.
I quit my first job because of a payment dispute and because the timings were playing merry hell with my health. But was I happy? Looking back at that year, it seems to me that though I had great company and met some people who have subsequently played a big part in my life -and in Shailaja's Shastry's case actually saved my life - more often than not, I wasn't really happy. Was I content? Probably yes but is contentment in life everything? Shouldn't we strive for happiness.I didn't at that time, though it was more or less the same time when heartbreak happened and depression began.
It came to such a point that I had no option but to quit. I joined my 2nd job with high hopes.
New job, new career - I was supposed to be happy wasn't I? But by joining when I joined, I not only missed some financial benefits but also messed up my MPhil thesis. And for what? Time revealed that I was working for a megalomaniac and a charlatan/fraud. An atmosphere of distrust and disenchantment reigned supreme. For a person like me, it once again turned out to be a case of me on one corner and the rest of them on the other. I was comfortable with the work I was doing but did not feel like a part of anything.
Then I changed jobs again, I thought it would help. And you know what, initially it actually did. I learnt new things, I got to explore new things, my ideas were appreciated, I got a great mentor.
But was I happy? I definitely was not? The tentacles of loneliness surrounded me on all sides. Acting on a friend's suggestion I consulted a psychiatrist. He listened to me and gave me medicines but he felt that since I am functional, its better that I consult a counselor. I needed all the
And then it all changed.
From being a creative one, my position became that of the office mule - send mails, receive mails and make excels. None of my ideas are accepted, I have to just type in whatever ideas an external consultant has. It ceased to matter whether I wanted to do something;it never really mattered to be honest. Forget being appreciated, the only feedback I get is one full of abuses highlighting all my deficiencies. They treat me as if I am wasting their precious time, money and ruining their company. Now, it feels like I need their permission to breathe.
I feel stifled. I feel constricted. I feel I am being buried alive in a hole. Day after day week after week I have to get up in the morning and come to this place even though I hate it. Its getting more and more and more difficult to get up, brush, put on clothes and to get out of the house. The very idea of going out of the house is now filling me with dread.
I spend weekend after weekend just staring out of the window looking at people living their lives with hopes and dreams and aspirations.
I have none.
Betrayals and abuses by so-called friends have left me a man scared of human company.It has come to such a condition that I could not even enjoy the football tournament going on at the moment - this is the first time in my life I have been unable to enjoy football.
On the one hand I desperately crave for human companionship, on the other hand I am too scared and scarred by humans to even feel like talking to them. Sometimes the very thought of talking to people makes me physically sick.
I am tired and I am exhausted of this life. I feel more and more like ending it but then I think of my parents and I have to keep on this pretense, this charade of normalcy.
I am going on an endless downward spiral of misery and I can't get out. I need to change before it becomes too late but I can't see a way of changing anything.
I wish there was hope
But there is no hope.
There never is.
What is it that makes me constitutionally unable to be a part of the human society?
As an adult, I have never felt as if I belonged somewhere.
CIEFL was good but last few months I was not on speaking terms with some of my erstwhile close friends coz of what they did to me. On hindsight, it wasn't that big a deal, but lemme tell you, it was one of the saddest periods of my life.
I quit my first job because of a payment dispute and because the timings were playing merry hell with my health. But was I happy? Looking back at that year, it seems to me that though I had great company and met some people who have subsequently played a big part in my life -and in Shailaja's Shastry's case actually saved my life - more often than not, I wasn't really happy. Was I content? Probably yes but is contentment in life everything? Shouldn't we strive for happiness.I didn't at that time, though it was more or less the same time when heartbreak happened and depression began.
It came to such a point that I had no option but to quit. I joined my 2nd job with high hopes.
New job, new career - I was supposed to be happy wasn't I? But by joining when I joined, I not only missed some financial benefits but also messed up my MPhil thesis. And for what? Time revealed that I was working for a megalomaniac and a charlatan/fraud. An atmosphere of distrust and disenchantment reigned supreme. For a person like me, it once again turned out to be a case of me on one corner and the rest of them on the other. I was comfortable with the work I was doing but did not feel like a part of anything.
Then I changed jobs again, I thought it would help. And you know what, initially it actually did. I learnt new things, I got to explore new things, my ideas were appreciated, I got a great mentor.
But was I happy? I definitely was not? The tentacles of loneliness surrounded me on all sides. Acting on a friend's suggestion I consulted a psychiatrist. He listened to me and gave me medicines but he felt that since I am functional, its better that I consult a counselor. I needed all the
And then it all changed.
From being a creative one, my position became that of the office mule - send mails, receive mails and make excels. None of my ideas are accepted, I have to just type in whatever ideas an external consultant has. It ceased to matter whether I wanted to do something;it never really mattered to be honest. Forget being appreciated, the only feedback I get is one full of abuses highlighting all my deficiencies. They treat me as if I am wasting their precious time, money and ruining their company. Now, it feels like I need their permission to breathe.
I feel stifled. I feel constricted. I feel I am being buried alive in a hole. Day after day week after week I have to get up in the morning and come to this place even though I hate it. Its getting more and more and more difficult to get up, brush, put on clothes and to get out of the house. The very idea of going out of the house is now filling me with dread.
I spend weekend after weekend just staring out of the window looking at people living their lives with hopes and dreams and aspirations.
I have none.
Betrayals and abuses by so-called friends have left me a man scared of human company.It has come to such a condition that I could not even enjoy the football tournament going on at the moment - this is the first time in my life I have been unable to enjoy football.
On the one hand I desperately crave for human companionship, on the other hand I am too scared and scarred by humans to even feel like talking to them. Sometimes the very thought of talking to people makes me physically sick.
I am tired and I am exhausted of this life. I feel more and more like ending it but then I think of my parents and I have to keep on this pretense, this charade of normalcy.
I am going on an endless downward spiral of misery and I can't get out. I need to change before it becomes too late but I can't see a way of changing anything.
I wish there was hope
But there is no hope.
There never is.
